Back in the Saddle

So yeah... It's been 6 months since I wrote anything here! It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just I have been immersed in a project that has my brain locked down. It has completely zapped the creativity out of me! I am hoping coming back here and writing a few words will bring me back to the center and help me find some balance.

So here is a snippet of poetry that I have not yet finished. I am publishing a book this year if I ever get off my butt and finish all these snippets. :-)

No Time for Apologies

It's too late to apologize
for words spoken in anger
the wheels have begun to turn
the past can't be undone

Life comes at you fast
and sometimes you must,
take a leap of faith
and hold on for all your worth

It may not always take you
to the place you want to be
but with patience it will get you
what you need today

copyright 2009 TLP

Climbing the Right Mountain

I am always moving, always doing, always, always....There are many mountains in this world that we have opportunities to climb. In the pursuit of our dreams we strive to reach the top of our chosen mountain. Sometimes we find ourselves on plateaus or in valleys and seemingly no way to move forward or go up. But think about it...... There is a purpose to the temporary slow downs on our climb to the top. It is in these moments that significant events are going on and if we speed to the top, we will never experience these events. There are people in our lives that we need to know, and if we go to fast to our goals, those moments with the people we love the most, will be lost forever. Also, in the experience of being in the plateaus or valleys smelling the flowers and enjoying moments with the people we love, we may determine there is a different peak we were meant to climb. The slowdown is not always failure but oppurtunity to turn a different way, and maybe, just maybe, the right way. Peace

6 A.M.

it's 6am
the alarm is blaring
and I must wake
from dreaming
of a beautiful man
with six-pack abs
cuz the kids are screaming.

And I drag myself
from the warmth
of the cover
extracting myself
from the arms
of my lover.

And I find
the house empty.

Where are the kids,
I thought I heard
screaming.
And where is the lover,
that was under
the cover.

It's 6am
the alarm is blaring
and I must wake up
because I find
I am staring
into a dream
of what
should have been.

Copyright 2008 Tracy Patman -

The Daily Grind - And I Don't Mean Coffee!!!

I'm inside a box,
bound with twine.
It helps neither to pray
nor to whine.
My captors torment me
with tasks so mundane,
I can't think in color
or play in the rain.
Creativity is frowned on,
punished sometimes.
and it's even a struggle
to come up with this rhyme.
I beg for release
though I doubt it will come.
So my only solace
comes from my mind,
where I dream of white beaches
and a place to hide,
from the every day stress
that is this grind.

copyright 2007 - TLP

Going the Extra Mile

Two-wayness is essential to good relationships. What is two-wayness?? You know that old adage that relationships are (or should be) a two-way street. I believe in theory that this is true. However, in reality, it seldom is.... I mean come on - do you know anyone in any relationship that has any ounce of equality? But, still life is about making compromises and two-wayness is essential - at least the attempt at two-wayness should be there else there is a tendency for one person to make all the extra effort. I call it going the extra mile. I have a problem with it. It's not making an effort that is an issue with me, rather, but making too much of an effort. Things can get lopsided in a hurry and people can and sometimes do take it for granted that I will always go the extra mile. Sometimes I drive those miles on a one-way street. Sometimes I want to stop driving all together and wait for the other cars to catch up or for them to come from the other direction and meet me half-way. BUT!!! Oh and this is a big but.....Even when the other car doesn't come, I keep on driving and go that extra mile. BECAUSE - these are people I love and it's the right thing to do. Otherwise, I am afraid I may find myself on the highway to hell only to discover it is a dead end street with no hope of making a U-turn!

So, kudos for the extra-milers out there. And for people who are lucky enough to have extra-milers in your life, take a moment to thank them for all that they do for you. Without them, you might find yourself on the same highway, going in the wrong direction with no hope of that U-turn.

Peace!

K + 2

Odd name for a blog post I guess, until you know what it means. K = Katrina 2 = two years post Katrina. Some of you may be wondering why it matters to you. It matters to you because it matters to me. It may have been easy to put it out of your mind not long after it happened if you didn't live here, or if you didn't have a chance to see it for yourself. It is difficult for many to fathom the utter devastation that we are still reminded of each day. Pictures never did it justice. Only walking amongst the debris and destruction put it into perspective. A generation will remember where they were when Katrina hit, just as many benchmark their life on where they were when we landed on the moon or when the towers in New York City fell.

But on this day, two years past Katrina, I am thankful. Because although I lost everything (material that is), I gained so much. Many of us regained our humanity, our faith and our sense of direction even as we wandered lost for many months. It was in the devastation of Katrina that we rediscovered the most important things we have. People; the love and loyalty of family and friends and a sense of community that will be forever within us.

My wish for all of you, is that you know already or will learn these things without having to undergo such trauma. Unfortunately, it often takes an event the magnitude of Katrina before we wake up and get back on the path where our compass points to our own north star..... the path that in your gut you have always been able to feel but not quite been able to put your feet on.

It is an awesome feeling to have my heart and my head going down the same path and not even needing sturdy shoes to walk on it.

Peace! Tracy

Poetry from my Insane Brain!!!

For your reading pleasure or displeasure :-) I present one of my "don't know where it comes from" poems..... Don't analyze it.

Copyright 2006 Tracy L Patman

Nightmare

On the edge of sanity,
I walk a narrow line.
Is this really happening
or is it in my mind?
It just keeps racing blindly,
to where I do not know,
little pills wash down my throat,
in hopes that it will slow.

Down the darkened tunnel
I wander aimlessly
Paths in all directions
Which one could it be
I reach out in desperation
but find a padded wall
I struggle with a handle,
Am i free at all?

I drift from all the visions,
and imagine better times
I battle with a demon,
then an angel comes in sight.
She gently moves the pillow
that crowded round my face,
I see the sun is rising
and I am free from the race.

Question 4: What is your moral code in relation to right and wrong?

I know what you are all thinking. It's about freaking time that I got on with the questions! Well I have been busy trying to decide just what my moral code is... What is morality and who defines that for us? I believe that most people intuitively know what is right and what is wrong. For most it is innate. Is that possible? Am I implying that we are born with either good or evil in our blood? That should be one of the ten eternal questions.... BUT, for now, we will stick with this one. My moral code as it relates to right and wrong is simple. In general, I believe that if what I do does no harm to anyone else or thing, then it's okay in my book. There, you have it. My philosophy. Does this hurt you in any way???

Question 3. Do you accept the concept of Karma, or the sense of cause and effect?

From a definition on Wikipedia, Karma is a sum of all that an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. The results or "fruits" of actions are called karma-phala. Karma is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward, karma simply deals with what is. The effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to others.

I firmly believe that our deeds, good or bad, will result in an effect on our life in the future. This effect will be positive or negative based on our actions. I believe that if you do harm to others, physically or emotionally, it will come back to you. I believe that you reap what you sow. Sometimes, when we are being wronged or have been wronged, we may have the urge to seek vengeance or to pay back that wrong. But, I believe life pays back so we don't have to because as they say, "what goes around comes around".

Your thoughts?

Question 2: Do you think that life is all there is, or do you believe in the afterlife

Well hell yeah! Who wants to think we end up just covered with dirt and worms Eewwww!! But seriously. I want to believe there is a place beyond death that our souls go to spend eternity. But, will I be on the stairway to Heaven or off to Hell in a Handbasket. Depends on who you ask LOL. and I am not telling.............

The Safety of Silence

I recently picked up the new Dixie Chicks CD and there is a song called "Silence". I want to talk about silence in the context that they sing about. Now for me, there are very few people in my life (one handful) that will fall into this place in which silence speaks more than words we will ever share. It is a comfort that comes from the confidence that the relationship you have does not always require words. That the love, respect, and friendship you share is true and timeless. It just is. Unspoken. It is these places I go to gain refuge from the constant hum of the world. To find the peace and safety of love and true friendship. It is a place I know that I am always safe and always wanted. I hope you all have a place or places like this that you share with people in your life. It is a most wonderful silence.

What Is Your Concept of God

At last post I had posted the Ten Eternal Questions from a book I am reading and I promised a weekly answer to each of the questions based on my view..... That was November 27th and thats been a while but it's time to get back at the matter at hand and start exploring these very thought provoking questions.

My concept of God: This isn't really hard for me now, although early on it was quite a struggle. As I was growing up I went to church and my concept of God was that of what most Christians concept of God is. God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost. That concept was shattered for me initially when I chose to study Geology in college and was first faced with Evolution. For a while I was very dissillusioned because facts are facts as they say. Over time I learned a way to reconcile my belief in a higher power who did in fact create us with the facts of evolution and the big bang theory.

Here's my thought. A day is 24 hours as we well know. But as we also know, the earth is 4.5 billion years old. So, how did the earth come to be in 7 days when we know physically it is 4.5 billion years old. I believe that God guided the creation of the Universe, Earth and man in the 4.5 billions years that passed. The Bible had to speak to the creation in terms that the culture of the time could understand, so it was 7 days and 7 nights. That's it. And on the 7th day he rested.

Eloquent, profound? Not really. Just my evolution of my belief. I don't want to live in a world where there is not God or Jesus. They both give us hope and guidance for becoming better people. And God knows we could all be better people.

Peace

Ten Eternal Questions

I picked up a book called Ten Eternal Questions by Zoe Sallis. Ten questions are posed and answered by numerous artists, stars and presidents etc. These people, according to the book, shape the world, but when the spotlight is off, what do they think about things that really matter?

I believe we all shape the world, but in more quiet subtle ways so I want to know what you think about the ten eternal questions.

1. What is your concept of God?
2. Do you think that life is all there is, or do you believe in the afterlife?
3. Do you accept the concept of Karma, or the sense of cause and effect?
4. What is your moral code in relation to right and wrong?
5. Do you believe in destiny, and do you see yourself as here to fulfill it?
6. What has life taught you so far?
7. What advice or words of wisdom would you like to pass on to those close to you?
8. Do you believe our survival on planet Earth is being threatened?
9. Who do you most admire in this world, historical or living?
10. How do you find peach within yourself?

Next week - My answer to question 1. Join me! Peace

Cynicism and a Side of Fries -- PART II

Well, I just had to return to the scene of the crime. A good friend of mind read my first post on this subject and said he was gonna blast me because I am successful and have accomplished a great deal and he said that I was not giving those things credit. I explained that the point of the post was not to be down on what I have done or accomplished but to point out how different it is from where I dreamed ( as a kid growing up) I would be. I wanted to be a school teacher and live on a big piece of land and have horses. Thanks to Katrina crushing our waterfront home, we have moved to slightly higher ground on a big piece of land. Don't have my horse yet but soon...... And then there's that teaching thing. I got to thinking about what my friend said and he is right. If we frame our expectatations by rigid definition of what those dreams are, then yes, maybe I really missed the mark. But...... if you define teaching in broader terms, then I am a teacher. I don't go to a classroom and teach math or science.... instead I am on a field with a bunch of soccer balls coaching a eight 8 and 9 year old girls the game of soccer, how to be a team and how to have fun. I mentor two of the best kids in the world and I teach them science and help them with their math. So here I am.....realizing my dreams.... just in a different way then I thought I would. And next week I will be in the halls of the Pentagon, meeting with people that many only dream of. Hmmm. Dreams....There goes that word again. The thing that I must constantly remind myself is that God has a plan for me. And it will be on his timetable, not mine.

Cynicism and a Side of Fries

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered if you were meant for something bigger? In the quiet times when you aren't being pulled in directions nine ways to Sunday, do you think about the dreams you had when you were growing up and wonder how you managed to find yourself in such a different place than you had imagined? My dreams are a lot like a game of golf. I have been on the tee so many times and then I sliced it or hooked it but that ball sure ain't on the fairway. So, I end up driving around trying to find that thing that I just had my hands on, but is lost in the woods or the sand trap. And then football.... The next thing I know I am standing in the End Zone screaming "I'm Open, Throw me the ball" and instead the quarterback is sacked for a twenty yard loss. The touchdown just out of my grasp.

Is there a point to this? Hell NO!!!! Sometimes, you are the bug, sometimes you are the windshield.

Fallen - by Sara Maclaughlin

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so lowI have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so lowI have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Always On Your Side

Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words i always fear
leaving you with only questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
But this isn't how it's really meant to be
Oh it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

Life Happens

Have you ever stopped to wonder when your train derailed and you got off the track? Think about the answers to these questions below. Feel free to post a response. What I have learned is that happiness is a choice. We wake up every day with the ability to make the choice to be happy! The choice to like what we do or hate it. The choice to look at each day as a miracle or a chore. Life happens and sometimes we get off track but it doesn't mean we can't put the wheels back on the train and start moving forward again.

1. What is the one thing you didn't do that you regret the most?
2. What's stopping you from doing it now?
3. How would it change your life?

Some philosophical questions to ponder.

Peace to all

Happy Tracy's Day

Everyone who knows me - knows this: I do not have children. By choice. But on two occasions now, I have had great regrets over that choice. After the first event, I had the opportunity to get to know two very special kids, Bailey and Brennan. They have become a very significant part of my world. If you saw me with them and didn't know, you might think that I was their mother. I am not, but at the same time, I am something more.... Last Saturday I had the honor to attend Bailey's first communion. As I watched this big event in a dozen or so eight year olds lives, I was struck with a wave of regret for not having my own children. I struggled to hold back the tears and for the most part I managed, but it was not unnoticed by Bailey. She inquired as to why I was crying and I told her, I can't talk about it right now but I will tell you later. Of course, any of you who know any eight year olds, they don't forget. True to form, she asked me after the ceremony was over. I told her that I was sad because I did not have my own children. She walked me outside and told me she would be inside if I needed her... that alone was worth all the gold in Fort Knox. But, it didnt end there. I went home and on Sunday celebrated Mother's day with mine and my husbands parents. Late in the day, Bailey called me to see if I could come over. I told her I would try so she proceeded to tell me why she wanted me to come over. She had made me something you see. She had proclaimed that every mother's day from that day forward would also be known as Tracy's day because although I am not a parent, I am very special to her and she wanted to celebrate that every year on my special day. I went to see her and she gave me a hand-made card that had a million I love you's and a Happy Tracy's Day message that would melt any heart. I display this beautiful card on my refrigerator and will cherish it till I am departed from this earth, because, Bailey and Brennan love me. An unconditional love that everyone should be so lucky to experience.

The Final Countdown

Everybody join around and help us with the countdown. The final countdown of the Patman's move to the "farm". We fondly call it the Maple house. Its nestled on five acres of beautiful live and water oaks, cherry trees, magnolias and sweet gums. It sprawls from 39 feet to 48 feet at our slab and I am happy to not be worrying about any water, unless we have a flood of biblical proportions. Now that would be a kicker wouldn't it. I have lots of wood and a workshop, I should prepare the ark.

Seriously, we are finally moving to a place we can call ours again and I am so thrilled to be getting there. I am looking forward to the big bash on the first weekend in June!!

While you are at it, stop at Nikky D's for a beer and a bite. Good food, good company.

A Little Bit of Me

Just wanted to say hi to everyone and for those who don't know me - Here I am!